Saturday, August 19, 2006

Fossilize B. Buffalos 1896 - 2006

Fossilize shot to prominence as the inventor of Buffalo Wings. People always ask why they’re called Buffalo Wings when buffalos don’t have wings and the answer is they are actually named after Fossilize himself. In some quarters among historians they say that they originated in Buffalo the place, but that is all part of a more sinister cover up due to Fossilize’s notorious lifestyle not being conducive to good history.
Fossilize had a rough upbringing, domestic violence and child labour being all too prevalent back then. He drifted into petty crime, stealing handkerchiefs off the washing lines of dandies, pilfering breadbaskets and thieving heather from travelling gypsies.
As he grew out of his teenage years the crime became more serious. His first gainful employment was in an automobile factory where he managed to steal a whole vehicle. This was only possible because he took it once piece at a time in his lunchbox. It didn’t cost him a dime until he was caught driving his new automobile around town. He gave himself away as he’d left the stock tags on. And so began Fossilize’s run of stupidity that left him recognised as America’s most inept criminal.
His end came at the ripe old age of 110, when almost a fossil himself. In an attempt to steal the bones of a T Rex from the Natural History museum in Manhattan he took a wrong turn on one block and ended up at the Hard Rock café. In an ironic twist of fate he found himself staring at one of Marc Bolan’s guitars on the wall and wondered if he could lift that instead. However when put it over his head he did he slipped and fell headfirst into a display of memorabilia from Daevid Allen’s band knocking him unconscious and causing a blackout from which he never recovered. Still at least he died a rock n roll death; “Get it on, bang a Gong”. What a way to go…

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Sled I. Secretively 1933 – 2006

High up in the Snowy Mountains of Australia is where the Secretively family have lived for generations. It’s an ideal place for bringing up children away from the stresses of everyday life. The community is self sufficient to the point of all the children being given training in various areas beneficial to the community. And thus Stephen, as his parents knew him, became Sled due to his excellent skills in the bob sleigh.
Due to the snow and ice it had become apparent that the clan would need a safe and speedy descent down the mountain. Thus plans were made to build a run to the bottom of the mountain and as their name suggests things had to be done surreptitiously. This was due to their long running feud with the Brazen clan who lived atop the next mountain. The Brazen bunch strutted around like they owned the place, which incidentally they did. And of course the Secretivelys who assumed, probably correctly, that any inventions they had would be claimed by the Brazens as their own, hated this. So the run was built at night, Sled himself overseeing everything. The crowning glory was the sled itself, a contraption made of old baking trays and wardrobe rails, with a go faster stripe from an old Ford Capri on the side for good measure. The runners were greased with a new solution. Although Sled took the formula to his grave, it is believed to be made up of vanilla ice cream, motor oil and fake sun tan lotion. The new run was a major advantage to the Secretively clan, as it meant they could get to the shop in the valley quicker and get all the supplies in first. It was especially pleasing for model train enthusiast Hornby OO Secretively who was guaranteed the only copy of Model Train Enthusiast.
Such a major contribution to the Secretively history meant a blue plaque was placed at the top of the run by family elders. This was later followed by one commemorating his life when the formula was mixed in the wrong combination one day and Sled went far too fast, shot off the end of the run and missed an oncoming train by inches. As he came to rest on the main road he was run over by a HGV.