Saturday, August 19, 2006

Fossilize B. Buffalos 1896 - 2006

Fossilize shot to prominence as the inventor of Buffalo Wings. People always ask why they’re called Buffalo Wings when buffalos don’t have wings and the answer is they are actually named after Fossilize himself. In some quarters among historians they say that they originated in Buffalo the place, but that is all part of a more sinister cover up due to Fossilize’s notorious lifestyle not being conducive to good history.
Fossilize had a rough upbringing, domestic violence and child labour being all too prevalent back then. He drifted into petty crime, stealing handkerchiefs off the washing lines of dandies, pilfering breadbaskets and thieving heather from travelling gypsies.
As he grew out of his teenage years the crime became more serious. His first gainful employment was in an automobile factory where he managed to steal a whole vehicle. This was only possible because he took it once piece at a time in his lunchbox. It didn’t cost him a dime until he was caught driving his new automobile around town. He gave himself away as he’d left the stock tags on. And so began Fossilize’s run of stupidity that left him recognised as America’s most inept criminal.
His end came at the ripe old age of 110, when almost a fossil himself. In an attempt to steal the bones of a T Rex from the Natural History museum in Manhattan he took a wrong turn on one block and ended up at the Hard Rock café. In an ironic twist of fate he found himself staring at one of Marc Bolan’s guitars on the wall and wondered if he could lift that instead. However when put it over his head he did he slipped and fell headfirst into a display of memorabilia from Daevid Allen’s band knocking him unconscious and causing a blackout from which he never recovered. Still at least he died a rock n roll death; “Get it on, bang a Gong”. What a way to go…


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